Frustrations

Sleepless nights; Haunting pasts 

One simply don't just forget. One simply don't just move on. One simply don't just let go.

One simply don't just fall out of love.

Not easily at least.

 

It has come to my attention again and again over the past 2 and a half weeks (yes I have been gone for that long now) that you might forget or at least force yourself to forget but the body never does. My mind hasn't forgotten any of it either. Countless times I have heard stories that the body get sick or tensed up when something reminds you of something that happened long ago. Although this is the function of the unconscious brain and although the unconscious never forgets it is the job of the conscious brain to tell you what you remember. But what anyone should know is that you only remember the things you want to remember. It's that simple. The brain suppresses the memories it doesn't want to remember. Another function of the unconscious brain is dreams. Sometimes your conscious brain also play a role in dreams but mostly it is started by a tiny spark of memory or sparked by a earlier thought. At the moment my brain is busy rewriting everything in my consciousness. Enough about the science behind my sleepless nights...

The body remembers. When I was still back in Cape Town, back in a relationship and still had my family and friends around me I didn't really experience sleepless nights. I guess feeling protected all the time even at night when you sleep makes a huge difference. For 2 months before I left SA I frequently visited my boyfriend and when I had a nightmare or couldn't sleep at all he was there. I used to turn around and hold him till I fall asleep again. And it was nice to cuddle anyways. You see my body remembers that. You call it spacial awareness.

Whilst being in Korea and not sleeping in a big dubble or queen size bed anymore and in a small single bed it became even harder. Because my body is used to having another body next to me I could grab and cuddle with it searches for that during the night. My unconscious brain is awake and well aware. I know this because of brain harmonics tests I did. It's like it sends a message to my conscious brain to wake up and explain the sudden abnormality. It doesn't understand. 

I guess being in a relationship for not only one year but 4 allows for confusion and misinterpretation to take place the day it's not there anymore . It spills over into a vast majority of daily activities that just doesn't sit right with you or you just feel weird doing them without, in my case, someone else being there and in your way. It's hard to just move on and it's hard to just forget about everything you've been through. It's hard to forget about the one pillar in your life that is suddenly not there anymore. It's hard to only rely on yourself for the fun in your life. It's hard to accept.

But just as hard as it is for the brain to discover to raw truth so is it hard for the body as well. Spatial awareness is a thing. Something the Korean people don't really know. I guess their "ego" is not as big as ours. It's hard to just forget about the body that used to be there in the night when you had a nightmare or woke up for no reason. I wake up now in the middle of the night tossing and turning because I'm not used to not having something to hold. I try hold my pillow but that doesn't really work since I have nothing to lay my head on then. And then I try and force myself not to open up my eyes and look on my cellphone. Seeing that it's 7 hours behind my schedule in South Africa I wake up when you go to sleep. So when I sleep you are awake which gives me all the more reason to grab my phone.

I have came to the conclusion today that I will have to use my settlements allowance on a big teddy bear that might just help me sleep through the night. I will marry my teddy and will devote every night to him. Because he will always wait for me till I get home and he will be there to say goodbye when I go.

I have also came to the conclusion that social media is something that can destroy relationships more than it will build it up. It's creates a secrecy between people where there is not suppose to be a secrecy. It lure assumptions, misunderstandings, jealousy and hatred into your life which wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for social media. Besides for what you might see on facebook for instance media such as chat apps also allows people to say things that they won't say in person. It gives people the courage to ask questions they normally won't ask but because the humiliation is not there it's easy - I find it cowardly. I think that anything you cannot discuss with somebody in their face should not be said over a cellphone or social media. It should be said the old fashion way.

I believe in love and I believe in the old fashioned way of loving one another. Technology might be going forward and my soon to be hubby teddy bear might be made from more advance material or the eyes might be made out of glass but that doesn't take away the fact that it's still a teddy bear that's always there. Yes independence is really important but is it the only thing in life that matters? No it's not. It's an ideal for individuals working together to create something together.

I'm buying my teddy bear soon because I cannot stand sleepless nights and I cannot stand searching for something that doesn't exist anymore.....