Nine months

Only time will tell...

Today, 24 December 2015, marks 9 months in South Korea. It also happens to be Christmas tomorrow and as for that reason I thought I'd share some butterfly thoughts.

Today 9 months ago I took my bags and left the house for the airport. All the way there I tried to avoid the conversation of where I will find myself in 24 hours trying to make the moments with my family last as long as possible but we all know time doesn't work on our watch but on its own. I drank my last glass of red wine at the airport before boarding and thought to myself this will be the last glass in a while so I sipped on my wine for as long as possible even though it wasn't the nicest wine I've ever had. I still had this feeling inside me that it's not real and I'm just going away for a holiday. Holidays was usually 2 weeks. I was so scared of what's to come knowing my whole life as I know it will change forever in the next 24 hours. As I said my last goodbyes I tried to hide the tears and not cry but as I hugged the second person goodbye I couldn't keep them hidden any longer. The last person I hugged and kissed for the last time was the person whom I fell in love with every single day since the day I met him 4 years prior and had to say goodbye to for good. I'll never forget that kiss. It wasn't easy at all. My heart was torn between those I love and the things I know and my dream of adventures in the unknown. I had to make that choice. Me. 

Today I look back and I don't regret the choices I made 9 months ago. I probably made the most courageous decision in my life that day. You see things could have played out completely different. I could've stayed in the comfort of a known place with the people I love, get a job, eventually buy an apartment, get a dog and a cat, maybe a bird as well, go to the same pub every weekend, see the same people every weekend, drive my car, paid my taxes and be completely happy with my life but still wonder how things would be if I was on the other side of the world in a country I know nothing about. I also had this mad plan in my head that I had since I was 13 years old that I would finish my studies, get married to my university sweetheart, travel the world with him, work overseas for a while, come back to settle down in South Africa and have kids. I should've thought to myself then that it was the dream of a 13 year old girl. I would've broken up with that special person anyway since it was the plan since pretty much the beginning of our relationship, love wasn't enough. It would've frustrated me that life just goes on day-in, day-out dealing with the same bullshit stories everybody spin for not being able to do something. I would've loved my dog and he or she would pretty much be the only person excited to see me every single day when I come back from home and after that I would've had to go pick up the landmines. 

I made the choice 9 months ago to leave. I didn't want to end up being stuck in one place surrounded with memories causing hurtful feelings and people constantly trying to pull you down. I wanted to go out and explore the wonders of the world, get to know people from across the world, experience things that no one I know has ever experienced. I wanted to go out and find my story. 

In the last 9 months I have learned that standing up for yourself doesn't mean you are being a tempered bitch, it doesn't mean I'm emotional.  It means that you have respect for yourself. I had to say no to so many things including sex because moving on with life to many means sleeping with somebody else or being in a relationship with somebody else. I've learned that it's really easy to criticise people for who they are but it's harder to complement them on something other than superficiality and even harder to learn about their life. It takes time to get to know somebodies true colours and you should respect the person enough to give them your time. Never to break a promise or to go back on your word. Always be nice, supportive and listen. Never lie. Be honest to yourself and those around you. Always be humble but never be embarrassed about the things you have accomplished on your own. It also told me that you shouldn't give up on something you really want and that counts for every aspect of your life. You have to work hard for what you want and make a decision to move forward rather than backwards. You should also learn from your past. The list goes on...

I'm celebrating Christmas without my family for the first time in 24 years. I am celebrating Christmas with a bunch of amazing friends from all over the globe. I am celebrating Christmas without somebody special in my life for the first time in 8 years. I don't know Christmas like this at all and I can honestly say it's scary, lonely and miserable. It's scary because of the questions that pops up. Have I made the right choice? What will happen in the future? Shoot, 2016 is basically here! What did I do this year? What did I achieve by coming here? More importantly what is my goals for 2016 and what am i going to do?

Thinking of the answers to these questions one thing became apparent to me. I never thought that I would ever be where I am today when I boarded that plane 9 months ago. I never thought I would be strong enough to follow through with this year considering how dearly I love my home country, my family and friends as well as that someone special. I guess I have more drive, more devotion and pride and maybe even more stupidity than I thought. They call it wanderlust I think. Anyway that's what I call it. 

I have so many amazing memories from this year and stories to tell which I wish I could've shared with someone who held my heart. I guess going back on the timeline in my blog really makes me smile at the stories I have to tell now and already told. I will have many more stories following today and the years to come. This year was hard but it was only the beginning of a wonderful life I will lead because why???

I made that choice!!!